How To Steal And Get Away With It In Nigeria

Disclaimer: if you try out this and it worked for you, don’t refer my blog as where you read it please. Should Buhari starts looking for you, I will definitely support him with candles and torchlight eventually PHCN/NEPA does usual norm. I’m just doing my ministry.
Somebody somewhere made this infamous statement, “Stealing is not corruption” (Don’t come for my head biko nu). You see why you really need to up your game? I’m telling if you can follow the what am to tell you, smiling to the bank is out of question because you will always laugh when you visit your ATM. In Nigeria, several persons have stolen and got away with it. Yes, they walk the streets and villages with armed escorts and charms underneath their armpits.

First, you should have in mind how much you intend to steal. If you dare a mistake to steal money that can’t even buy catapult or manage an Abuja Olosho, the witches in your village will be the ones that will lynch you. Steal billions of Dollars not Naira. If you find a way steal Nigeria’s budget. The whole world will be so afraid of you. Now, you have stolen. Begin the next phase of sharing or appeasing the Nigerian gods. I’m not talking about the gods that you buy fowl and kolanuts. I am talking about the ones that know how to kill a person politically. So, you sharing the “bounty” doesn’t make you stupid rather it gives you a voice. You can start naming names once EFCC and DSS crosses your path.

Immediately, EFCC and DSS approach you in the name of arrest or investigation, develop an ailment. Cancer is mostly the significant one. Just be different, you can mention stroke or tumor. Don’t dare mention Ebola or HIV because Nigerians won’t take you serious. Make sure you have photos snapped from different angles when a doctor is treating or you are pushed into a theatre. Children of hate can decide to spoil your show with a Photoshop. I know you have powerful media moguls that can help in circulating the pictures around the Internet. If you don’t have, empoly the services of e-rats and warriors. One plate of rice and 1GB data will do. They don’t cost much.

You should have your people “Solidly” behind you. You will need persons that will protest for maltreatment of their son of the soil. Once you are in prison, starve yourself and threaten never to return anything. In all this, make sure you see yourself coming out so soon because the Buhari I see now, can decide to build more prisons.

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How To Be A Nigerian Undercover Writer

You are a writer or an aspiring journalist. If you listen carefully, what about to tell you will blow you. Yes, your name will keep ringing a bell. The money will keep rolling in once you can keep up with the job. You must understand instead of you waiting for the royalties of a book you wrote, you can earn double of the royalties. While you keep it as your retirement savings.

There are many witches out there that will surely truncate your hustles. They are so bent in making sure nothing best comes out of your new found darling job. Don’t worry, the earlier the better. We will avoid them in every angle even if it entails visiting TB Joshua.

Nigeria faces hell of problems. You already know that. I’m not trying to tell you to buy one of the problems. It will consume you and none will recall even when you were born. These problems range from kidnapping, Boko Haram, Armed Robbery, MEND, OPC, MTN, Pipeline Vandalism, Religion, Human Trafficking, Corruption, Mama Peace (Please don’t ask me when this has come to be a problem) etc. These are few known problems of this country. Don’t waste your time trying to pokenose into any of these. Nigerians and the entire world won’t listen to you. As far as they know, these are bona fide citizens of the country.

Look at some areas which nobody has dared or those that tried ended up woefully. It’s not to your portion to fail. Don’t mind village witches, they are already failing. Now, you’ve known which area you will beam your searchlight on, cool. No, I didn’t advice you to embark on a journey. It is too dangerous. We are in a computer age. You shouldn’t risk your life because Nigerians are so quick to forget heros. Thank God for Google, Facebook, Twitter. Also, create a blog, yes you need where you ‘paste’ your research materials. Make your researches in these places and stay off the public for three months. No friend or close relative of yours should know of your aspirations. They might be advocates of witches. Your dreams will be killed before arrival.

You should come up with a nicest story ever written. Don’t paint it with too many lies. You have to spice it up with things even those that didn’t read, but were told about your ordeal will feel for you. Pa Ikhide and co will nail it dead though none of them writes or will they make to embark on the journey which you staked your life on. Haters will hate. Just move on with your life. Write on how you were fed with rotten food filled with maggots. You were beaten with iron rods (You can pierce some parts of your body. Fame is hard to come by). Give your audience some relief, tell of how you wanted to fall in love with one of the tormentors. Your rescue shouldn’t be in Nigeria. It should somewhere in Somali. Yes, you ought to bring a white person in the picture, an international media guru. You know, you are writing so you don’t go and contact a wrong ‘white’ person. Now, your story is ready. Serve it while it’s hot while your haters will have no other option than to go and hug transformer. Give it time and your awards will start rolling in.

How To Be Become Nigerian Undercover Reporter.

You are a writer or an aspiring journalist. If you listen carefully, what about to tell you will blow you. Yes, your name will keep ringing a bell. The money will keep rolling in once you can keep up with the job. You must understand instead of you waiting for the royalties of a book you wrote, you can earn double of the royalties. While you keep it as your retirement savings.

There are many witches out there that will surely truncate your hustles. They are so bent in making sure nothing best comes out of your new found darling job. Don’t worry, the earlier the better. We will avoid them in every angle even if it entails visiting TB Joshua.

Nigeria faces hell of problems. You already know that. I’m not trying to tell you to buy one of the problems. It will consume you and none will recall even when you were born. These problems range from kidnapping, Boko Haram, Armed Robbery, MEND, OPC, MTN, Pipeline Vandalism, Religion, Human Trafficking, Corruption, Mama Peace (Please don’t ask me when this has come to be a problem) etc. These are few known problems of this country. Don’t waste your time trying to pokenose into any of these. Nigerians and the entire world won’t listen to you. As far as they aware, these are bona fide citizens of the country.

Look at some areas which nobody has dared or those that tried ended up woefully. It’s not to your portion to fail. Don’t mind village witches, they are already failing. Now, you’ve known which area you will beam your searchlight on, cool. No, I didn’t advice you to embark on a journey. It is too dangerous. We are in a computer age. You shouldn’t risk your life because Nigerians are so quick to forget heros. Thank God for Google, Facebook, Twitter. Make your researches in these places and stay off the public for three months. No friend or close relative of yours should know of your aspirations. They might be advocates of witches. Your dreams will be killed before arrival.

You should come up with a nicest story ever written. Don’t paint it with too many lies. You have to spice it up with things even those that didn’t read, but were told about your ordeal will be filled with pity for you. Pa Ikhide and co will nail it dead though none of them writes or will they make to embark on the journey which you staked your life on. Write on how you were fed with rotten food filled with maggots. You were beaten with iron rods (You can pierce some parts of your body. Fame is hard to come by). Give your audience some relief, tell of how you wanted to fall in love with one of the tormentors. Your rescue shouldn’t be in Nigeria. It should somewhere in Somali. Yes, you ought to bring a white person in the picture. Now, your story is ready. Serve it while it’s hot while your haters will have no other option than to go and hug transformer. Give it time and your awards will start rolling in.

How To Cure A Drunkard.

Your husband, relative, boyfriend or neighbour is a friend of the bottle. He loves anything liquid in a bottle and you want to put an end to that? Drinking is not just a habit, but a disease. So, curing this ‘disease’ is simple if only you will listen to me. I’m not trying to make out a satirica write up, rather something that will help generations to come.

Now, you so much hate this drinker as he’s always full of nasty smell, staggers and sometimes, he makes the gutters a comfortable place to slumber. He urinates on his wears. He talks gibberish and might another route when going home, friends will ‘bundle’ him to the house.

You know and love him too well. You really want to come home everyday and meet him. Just apply this and pay me later. Don’t doubt, with faith you can stop Mama Nkechi from selling kai kai. You know the kind of food he loves most and possibly a kind of hobby. Now, cook that favourite meal, when he must have gone on his drinking expolits. Keep the food at the table and arrange the house neatly. Make sure, you know his brand of drink. Get away and get as much as you can. Go call him in a playful manner. Feed and let him drink at home.

Try this for a week and I don’t need to tell you how he will change. Surely, he quit the disease and became a sane man you knew back days.

How To Grow Your Business On Social Networking Sites.

Twitter? I did knew this social networking site as a micro-blogging site. I must confess, I have been on Twitter for like two years now and only knew what it was all about, six months ago. During the old days, I can barely understand ‘Retweet’, ‘Follow’, ‘Follow back’, ‘TL’ etc, which according to a friend, who said Twitter is for celebrities. I swallowed so hard. I’m social media crazy. I was ready to know what this Twitter is all about, since am a Facebook worm. For a long time, I heard a lot of Nigerians were making cool cash on Twitter. Opportunity!

This brings #AdoptAtweep to mind. I saw the event on @blcompere’s TL and likewise that of @ojaysays. I was curious to know what’s really #AdoptAtweep and to cap it all, it was a free event (Awuf dey run belle, you said?). i asked what the event was all about and @kara2dance came to my rescue, telling me the venue(@Sofalounge81) and time(2pm). Saturday 15th December was the day. I arrived late and found out I never registered for the event online. I had to after showing my ID to the security (Who no like better thing?). I thank God nothing has really started upon my arrival as I saw people making introduction of themselves and Twitter handles (They called it networking). I joined the queue as I met @Chidufinance.

The event kicked off with a testimony from @kara2dance before @OjaySays took the centre stage.

Here are the tips to grow use social media to grow your business. Facilitator: @OjaySays. You can call this, the ‘ten commandments’ of social netprenue.

1. Tweet Right.

2. Engage your Audience.

3. Follow a target audience.

4. Unfollow smartly.

5. Send bulk direct messages with or without links.

6. Use URL shorteners.

7. Hootsuite Advantage.

8. Market like the sun and not the wind.

9. Be consistent.

10. Keeping within the follow limits.

* Leverage on your social network-

leverage on your social network to provide an advertising platform for brands, individuals and events.

Leverage on your social network to market your ideas, brands thoughts, concepts etc.

Courtesy- @Ojaysays, @blcompere.

How to be a Nigerian Pastor.

Before you jump to conclusion that you’ve known what am to talk about or the idea is up in your head crawling while you smile, my dear I think you got all wrong. I’m talk a different thing. If it is funny, you laugh. If you find it quite boring, make sure a pharmacist is near your residence. Panadol and Amalar(the Yorubas should forget about garri) will do a nice job on your system.

Are you an intending pastor or a warming up one (You are in the dreams while you are at the Theologian school) or you are already one? I don’t want to start asking you, who called you. You might have missed a call from a late relation during your mid nightmares. Any person questioning your call to the ‘Lord’s ministry’, is a devil. He/she will surely die by tsunami. Why should you pray for their repentance, when they are so bent in truncating your hustle? You must understand that it took years of starvation (may be fasting), putting on one cockroach infested coat while you are at one street corner shouting at top of your voice. You always tell your doubting Thomases that you will make it because your faith is too strong that it can push away a mountain. Your shoes are more like a flying canoe, it rains, and you see a paddle; you’ve gotten to your destination. When you can hardly afford a loaf of bread or some balls of akara. Mama Juliet was too good as she helps on daily basis with a food flask filled with rice and meat. When you went to the village for Christmas celebrations, your siblings and mates are too busy sharing bags of rice. You made efforts to share the word of God; some persons will label you as an idiot. They would spread your name around or even refer you to psychiatrist. God will judge your landlord. He’s always on your neck once the month is close to ending. Those times were in the days of turbulent waters and bad breeze.

Now, you are a Nigerian pastor. Moreover, for those of you pastor outside the shores of Nigeria, you better come home and ‘invest’. This land is filled with butter and honey. It doesn’t matter the name your church is called, but you should be occupied with the thoughts of your members prospering (unless tithe and offering is mean less). Your church might be located near an Indian hemp market (never mind, the odour chases legions of spirits. They are as well helping in the work). I should not tell you to get yourself a nice suit(you can borrow or get one on credit). Your hair must be afro (so you can perm it when the spirit has instructed). Don’t try going for a skin unless your assistant image will be drawn on the signboard. You must understand that Nigerians are too tired to work. They face many problems. You can proffer solutions. You might decide reconciling a quarreling couple by the strokes of the cane (you are ‘Daddy’). Make predictions or guess (be sure where you set your sights or Exodus. Genesis begins your name).

Nigerians are football crazy. Make no mistake saying that Super Eagles will win African cup of nations. Tell somebody, Arsenal will the UEFA Champions league. Cause pandemonium, broadcast the death of a top politician. You must sale’healing pure water’. Let the anointing oil cure headache (ringworm and eczema should be out of question).

You must get yourself a secretary, so nobody enters your office anyhow. Consultation fee should be left out. If you are invited anywhere, ask for flight tickets. Don’t look too cheap, you are a man of God. You should be conversant with Bible verses. It doesn’t matter if you cram. Upgrade your vocals or betterstill, produce your own English words. Pretend one day, you had no means of transportation. The car which you’ve always dreamt about, will be yours. Use a Bible passage to tell your congregation, you bought a new suit or a pair of shoe. You can document your life’s hustles and stories as a book, I should not tell you how they will love to read a book written by ‘papa’. God bless you as you continue in the Lord’s vineyard.