How To Get Married in Nigeria

You’ve foundwhom to marry or you are still dating? Your fiancee look too good and angelic. Your conclusion, you guys are getting married sooner than later. Now, you don’t dabble into what you don’t know. You need a guide. And for you information, marriage in Nigeria is a typical project which you must read and understand very well. If you are lucky, your parents will help you with some lectures and if you are not, you just have to rely on me. Just listen with keen ears and mind because this is ‘marriage 101 ‘. Don’t see me as a marriage counsellor or adviser. See me as a guide because I don’t want my house to be a special court for settling ‘quarreling couples’ and ‘family cases'(Your pastor can do just that). Atleast, you wedded in the church not my house.

You’ve found her as I said earlier. To start with, what is her tribe? How much does your parents and siblings love her? Does any of friend claim he knows her too well? (If he does, I wonder what happens anytime you might be away from the house). I shouldn’t you tell not to ask of her past because as you are making to become the ‘Mr. Right’, you don’t want some ‘idiots’ helping you out on your duty(Unless, you are not a man). If she is not educated(not an educated illitrate- the one that speaks grammar to confuse you). She shouldn’t be ugly or your village witches will get angry for not coming for one of them. I won’t remind you to check her village distance from yours unless your kinsmen won’t join you in the journey. If she works in a bank or she is lawyer, bro, I pity you unless you will get tired fighting. Her family is wealthy and you once had no shoes or singlet. Her father brought you out of the refuse dump (Don’t try upsetting their daughter. The prisons were not built for animals). No need going to the hospital for medical check up, you guys built your relationship on trust. I hope your mother is not grandchild crazy? If not, you will make babies under one week. You must marry at age of 23, if you are only the son.

You have known her. Of course, you will start with introduction before you are making an attempt to pay the bride price. During the bride price period, you have to organise a little party. Show your inlaws that you are capable of taking care of their daughter. God will judge these fathers that sell their daughters in the name of giving them out for marriage. You can pay everything they demand and possibly, you are in charge of the ‘commodity’ you bought. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that your ‘bachelor’s nite or eve’ should not be exempted. Your friends must welcome you into marriage-hood. God will bless you even more if you organise it in a five star hotel not near ogogoro joint
(you must be classic).

Traditional marriage beckons and you are a no nonsense guy. You are too popular that you mingle with the likes of Dangote, Otedola, Mike Adenuga. In fact, Bill Gates will soon be on your friends’ list. So, your traditional marriage must be talk of the town. I shouldn’t tell you that marriage has become a business venture(wedding-prenuer). Invest a little and get a little. God will get angry with any person advising to hang your coat according to your reach. You can borrow money from friends, siblings or take a loan from the bank. Unless, you are organising a traditional marriage, where moi moi and bread will be shared. A traditional marriage to remember. A talk of the town. Facebook, Twitter and all these ‘see and post’ bloggers will carry the news.

I shouldn’t tell you how Africans are civilization crazy. White wedding will be your next target as the traditional wedding wasn’t the authentic one. If you are a typical play boy, definitely you have to invite security before the priest asks ‘is there any person here…..'(complete the statement). The wedding also should be one in town so that the brown envelopes will be fat. You don’t know a guest you did invite might give you a car as gift, so you don’t intend cooking jollof rice and wrap up eggs as gifts. Your honeymoon should be done in London on a borrowed visa. God will replenish your hustle on a worthy wedding as you regret your actions after reception.

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How to get married in Nigeria.

You’ve found a wife or you are still dating? Your fiancee look too good and angelic. Your conclusion, you guys are getting married. Now, you don’t dabble into what you don’t know. You need a guide. And for you information, marriage in Nigeria is a typical project which you must read and understand very well. If you are lucky, your parents will help you with some lectures and if you are not. Just listen with keen ears and mind because this is ‘marriage 101 ‘. Don’t see me as a marriage counsellor or adviser. See me as a guide because I don’t want my house to be a special court for settling ‘quarreling couples’ and ‘family cases'(Your pastor can do just that).

You’ve found her as I said earlier. To start with, what is her tribe? How much does your parents and siblings love her? Does any of friend claim he know her too well? (If he does, I wonder what happens anytime you might be away from the house). I shouldn’t you tell not to ask of her past because as you are making to become one, you don’t some ‘idiots’ helping you out on your duty(Unless, you are not a man). If she is not educated(not an educated illitrate- the one that speaks grammar to confuse you). I won’t remind you to check her village distance from yours unless your kinsmen won’t join you in the journey. If she works in a bank or she is lawyer, bro, I pity you unless you will get tired fighting. Her family is wealthy and you once had no shoes or singlet. Her father brought you out of the refuse dump (Don’t try upsetting their daughter. The prisons were not built for animals). No need going to the hospital for medical check up, you guys built your relationship on trust. I hope your mother is not grandchild crazy? If not, you will make babies under one week. You must marry at age of 23, if you are only the son.

You have known her. Of course, you will start with introduction before you are making an attempt to pay the bride price. During the bride price period, you have to organise a little party. Show your inlaws that you are capable of taking care of their daughter. God will judge these fathers that sell their daughters in the name of giving them out for marriage. You can pay everything they demand and possibly, you are in charge of the ‘commodity’ you bought. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that your ‘bachelor’s nite or eve’ should not be exempted. Your friends must welcome you into marriage-hood. God will bless if you organise it in a five star hotel not near ogogoro joint
(you must be classic).

Traditional marriage beckons and you are a no nonsense guy. You are too popular that you mingle with the like of Dangote, Otedola, Mike Adenuga. In fact, Bill Gates will soon be on your friends’ list. So, your traditional marriage must be talk of the town. I shouldn’t tell you that marriage has become a business venture(wedding-prenuer). Invest a little and get a little. God will get angry with any person advising to hang your coat according to your reach. You can borrow money from friends, siblings or take a loan from the bank. Unless, you are organising a traditional marriage, where moi moi and bread will be shared. A traditional marriage to remember.

I shouldn’t tell you how Africans are civilization crazy. White wedding will be your next target as the traditional wedding wasn’t the authentic one. If you are a typical play boy, definitely you have to invite security before the priest asks ‘is there any person here…..'(complete the statement). The wedding also should be one in town so that the brown envelopes will be fat. You don’t know a guest you did invite might give you a car as gift. Your honeymoon should be done in London on a borrowed visa. God will replenish your hustle on a worthy wedding as you regret your actions after reception.

How to get Facebook ‘likes’.

I don’t know reasons behind Mark Zuckerberg’s idea of having the ‘like’ button almost on every place on Facebook. Whatsoever might be the reason or purpose, God bless his hustles (forgotten he’s an atheist. Well, may Amadioha help his career).

Several times, I did see most of my friends stuggle to update or post a picture they would if not thirty ‘likes’, atleast fifteen. Some persons would feel on top of the world anytime they login into their account to see fifty comments on updated status or photos. Some will even go ahead announcing it on the streets and neighbours. Where it will look prettier and fantastic, it is when all these foreign guys(It does matter if it’s a Somalian or an Iraqi) commented and ‘liked’ the status or photo.

Now, if you wanna get enough ‘likes’ on your status or photo. If you are a guy, forget about updating ‘Am so hungry’ (Bro, you better look around if you can lay your hand on kuli kuli or Agege bread because that status might get you blocked). Since you are a guy, make sure you are funny and informative(it doesn’t matter where you copy and paste it. You surely get a pat on the back and girls will rush in to call you ‘darling’ ‘honey’. Let your head not swell, just keep up the good work. It’s only God that will pay you). If you are a girl and nobody seemed to ‘like’ or comment your status or photo. My dear, it’s your fault. Does it mean you don’t read other ladies’ status or view their photos? God will forgive you for being too blinded.

I should not telll you how ladies have thrown decency to the gutters. They flaunt everything and ‘likes’ and comments fill up their wall. You must take a photo having your finger in your mouth(of course, you are sexier. Next posting, try boobs snapping). Try updating, ‘am so lonely and nid company'(you can’t imagine the rush to comment and like. Some guys will even ask for your address).

God will judge all these married men and women that now take over all ‘likes’ and comments. If you guys are social network frenzy, join Twitter(Just meet TB Joshua, he will surely prophesy how your tweets will be retweeted). God bless your hustle(Apologies to Elnathan John).