How To Steal And Get Away With It In Nigeria

Disclaimer: if you try out this and it worked for you, don’t refer my blog as where you read it please. Should Buhari starts looking for you, I will definitely support him with candles and torchlight eventually PHCN/NEPA does usual norm. I’m just doing my ministry.
Somebody somewhere made this infamous statement, “Stealing is not corruption” (Don’t come for my head biko nu). You see why you really need to up your game? I’m telling if you can follow the what am to tell you, smiling to the bank is out of question because you will always laugh when you visit your ATM. In Nigeria, several persons have stolen and got away with it. Yes, they walk the streets and villages with armed escorts and charms underneath their armpits.

First, you should have in mind how much you intend to steal. If you dare a mistake to steal money that can’t even buy catapult or manage an Abuja Olosho, the witches in your village will be the ones that will lynch you. Steal billions of Dollars not Naira. If you find a way steal Nigeria’s budget. The whole world will be so afraid of you. Now, you have stolen. Begin the next phase of sharing or appeasing the Nigerian gods. I’m not talking about the gods that you buy fowl and kolanuts. I am talking about the ones that know how to kill a person politically. So, you sharing the “bounty” doesn’t make you stupid rather it gives you a voice. You can start naming names once EFCC and DSS crosses your path.

Immediately, EFCC and DSS approach you in the name of arrest or investigation, develop an ailment. Cancer is mostly the significant one. Just be different, you can mention stroke or tumor. Don’t dare mention Ebola or HIV because Nigerians won’t take you serious. Make sure you have photos snapped from different angles when a doctor is treating or you are pushed into a theatre. Children of hate can decide to spoil your show with a Photoshop. I know you have powerful media moguls that can help in circulating the pictures around the Internet. If you don’t have, empoly the services of e-rats and warriors. One plate of rice and 1GB data will do. They don’t cost much.

You should have your people “Solidly” behind you. You will need persons that will protest for maltreatment of their son of the soil. Once you are in prison, starve yourself and threaten never to return anything. In all this, make sure you see yourself coming out so soon because the Buhari I see now, can decide to build more prisons.

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How To Be A Nigerian Undercover Writer

You are a writer or an aspiring journalist. If you listen carefully, what about to tell you will blow you. Yes, your name will keep ringing a bell. The money will keep rolling in once you can keep up with the job. You must understand instead of you waiting for the royalties of a book you wrote, you can earn double of the royalties. While you keep it as your retirement savings.

There are many witches out there that will surely truncate your hustles. They are so bent in making sure nothing best comes out of your new found darling job. Don’t worry, the earlier the better. We will avoid them in every angle even if it entails visiting TB Joshua.

Nigeria faces hell of problems. You already know that. I’m not trying to tell you to buy one of the problems. It will consume you and none will recall even when you were born. These problems range from kidnapping, Boko Haram, Armed Robbery, MEND, OPC, MTN, Pipeline Vandalism, Religion, Human Trafficking, Corruption, Mama Peace (Please don’t ask me when this has come to be a problem) etc. These are few known problems of this country. Don’t waste your time trying to pokenose into any of these. Nigerians and the entire world won’t listen to you. As far as they know, these are bona fide citizens of the country.

Look at some areas which nobody has dared or those that tried ended up woefully. It’s not to your portion to fail. Don’t mind village witches, they are already failing. Now, you’ve known which area you will beam your searchlight on, cool. No, I didn’t advice you to embark on a journey. It is too dangerous. We are in a computer age. You shouldn’t risk your life because Nigerians are so quick to forget heros. Thank God for Google, Facebook, Twitter. Also, create a blog, yes you need where you ‘paste’ your research materials. Make your researches in these places and stay off the public for three months. No friend or close relative of yours should know of your aspirations. They might be advocates of witches. Your dreams will be killed before arrival.

You should come up with a nicest story ever written. Don’t paint it with too many lies. You have to spice it up with things even those that didn’t read, but were told about your ordeal will feel for you. Pa Ikhide and co will nail it dead though none of them writes or will they make to embark on the journey which you staked your life on. Haters will hate. Just move on with your life. Write on how you were fed with rotten food filled with maggots. You were beaten with iron rods (You can pierce some parts of your body. Fame is hard to come by). Give your audience some relief, tell of how you wanted to fall in love with one of the tormentors. Your rescue shouldn’t be in Nigeria. It should somewhere in Somali. Yes, you ought to bring a white person in the picture, an international media guru. You know, you are writing so you don’t go and contact a wrong ‘white’ person. Now, your story is ready. Serve it while it’s hot while your haters will have no other option than to go and hug transformer. Give it time and your awards will start rolling in.

2015 Prophecy.

Call this a prediction or prophecy, it’s none of my headaches. I’m concerned of happenings come 2015. Just listen, 2015 might be your year after all.

Harmattan will continue its thing and Vaseline will sell faster.

APC and PDP will begin their campaigns.

Elections will hold in Nigeria and a candidate will win. (Please, don’t ask who, I only saw. Not authorised to talk)

Pastors will collect offerings and tithes.

Some Nollywood stars will get married while those who are chronic bachelors and spinsters have to meet me for a private prayers.

Rain will fall in 2015

Many babies will be born in 2015

People will buy new cars.

Boko Haram will be a thing of the past.

US and North Korea will continue to hack each others computer.

Rita Dominic should visit my headquarters for better counselling.

NEPA/PHCN will continue their thing while many ‘I pass my neighbour’ generators will sell more.

MTN will continue to send their unsolicited text messages.

Girls who left their boyfriends due to Christmas will return begging.

More people will join Facebook and Twitter.

Arsenal will add a trophy to their kitchen (For your mind, top 4)?

Many cows will used for suya.

There will decamping or crosscarpet into various parties.

People must Change church

My Encounter With A Policeman.

I was driving down the street at Maitama,
having just finished answering a call when a
policeman suddenly opened the passenger
door, entered and jammed it. As usual he
wanted “something” from me for calling while
driving. Then suddenly he saw the big Rottweiler dog, Jack, at the backseat with tongue stuck out, saliva dripping and canines barring. Jack was staring fiercely at him.

Policeman: (shocked) Ah! You carry dog?

Me: Yes. I carry dog. That one na offence?

Policeman: (feeling uncomfortable) Na where una dey come from?

Me: From hospital.

Policeman: Ehen! You dey sick?

Me: No, na the person wey the dog bite we go see, the person almost die sef.

Policeman: (Terribly shaking) Ehen! But why the dog dey shake head like that?

Me: Na so him dey do if he wan bite person. Policeman: And the dog know you?

Me: Yes na, no be my dog? Policeman: (Sweating profusly) This your door, how you dey open am?

Me: How you take enter?

Policeman: Abeg! Na since I dey try open am but e no open. [The dog was now getting impatient and gave a small growl, It’s tongue almost touching the policeman’s left ear]

Policeman: (now leaning forward) Oga, I take God beg you, open the door for me make I
comot, I no go collect anything from you. Me: How much you go pay me?

Policeman: Ah! I never hustle anything since morning, na only 1k dey with me.

Me: You neva ready, (pretending to to release the dog)

Policeman: ok ok ok ok ok, my money reack 2k the other 1k na my wife own but I go give you
join. [now close to tears as the dog was
becoming increasingly aggressive, ready to
attack on command]

Policeman: Oga, abeg sorry for me, take the 2k make you open door for me, abeg.

Me: Oya bring am. (collects the 2k and unlocks the passenger door)

Policeman: God punish you! ! E no go ever betta for you and your yeye dog. Wicked man.

Footballers Who’s Appearance Does Not Suit Football

Footballers who’s appearance does not suit
football:
*Mario Balotelli(Gangster Rapper/hip hop)
*Wayne Rooney(Boxing)
*Gerrald Pique(Taxi Driver)
*Bacary Sagna(Native doctor)
*Oliver Giroud(Modelling)
*Daniel Osvaldo(Actor)
*Aristedi Bance(Armed Robber)
*Ramires(Sugar-cane seller)
*Scott Parker(Choir master)
*Raheem Sterling(Athletics)
*Daniel Agger(Art)
*Gervinho(native doctor)….
*Kaka(evangelist)
*Ronaldo(love-vendor)
*Messi(house boy)
*Lampard(pastor)
*Sturigde(streetboy)
*Bale(hunter)
*Benzema(crown prince)
*Carrick(estatemanager)
*Anderson(street hip pop)
*Luiz(militant)
*De gea(sales boy)
*Cahill(pundit)
*Kompany(military)
*Wilfred bony(farmer)
*Yaya toure(bodygaurd)
*Luis Suarez (vampire)
*Ba (imam)
*Ozil (Eye witness)
*Ibrahimovic be looking like Colombia drug
smuglers
*Chigozie Agbim (Wrestler)

Culled from Nairaland.com

How To Get Married in Nigeria

You’ve foundwhom to marry or you are still dating? Your fiancee look too good and angelic. Your conclusion, you guys are getting married sooner than later. Now, you don’t dabble into what you don’t know. You need a guide. And for you information, marriage in Nigeria is a typical project which you must read and understand very well. If you are lucky, your parents will help you with some lectures and if you are not, you just have to rely on me. Just listen with keen ears and mind because this is ‘marriage 101 ‘. Don’t see me as a marriage counsellor or adviser. See me as a guide because I don’t want my house to be a special court for settling ‘quarreling couples’ and ‘family cases'(Your pastor can do just that). Atleast, you wedded in the church not my house.

You’ve found her as I said earlier. To start with, what is her tribe? How much does your parents and siblings love her? Does any of friend claim he knows her too well? (If he does, I wonder what happens anytime you might be away from the house). I shouldn’t you tell not to ask of her past because as you are making to become the ‘Mr. Right’, you don’t want some ‘idiots’ helping you out on your duty(Unless, you are not a man). If she is not educated(not an educated illitrate- the one that speaks grammar to confuse you). She shouldn’t be ugly or your village witches will get angry for not coming for one of them. I won’t remind you to check her village distance from yours unless your kinsmen won’t join you in the journey. If she works in a bank or she is lawyer, bro, I pity you unless you will get tired fighting. Her family is wealthy and you once had no shoes or singlet. Her father brought you out of the refuse dump (Don’t try upsetting their daughter. The prisons were not built for animals). No need going to the hospital for medical check up, you guys built your relationship on trust. I hope your mother is not grandchild crazy? If not, you will make babies under one week. You must marry at age of 23, if you are only the son.

You have known her. Of course, you will start with introduction before you are making an attempt to pay the bride price. During the bride price period, you have to organise a little party. Show your inlaws that you are capable of taking care of their daughter. God will judge these fathers that sell their daughters in the name of giving them out for marriage. You can pay everything they demand and possibly, you are in charge of the ‘commodity’ you bought. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that your ‘bachelor’s nite or eve’ should not be exempted. Your friends must welcome you into marriage-hood. God will bless you even more if you organise it in a five star hotel not near ogogoro joint
(you must be classic).

Traditional marriage beckons and you are a no nonsense guy. You are too popular that you mingle with the likes of Dangote, Otedola, Mike Adenuga. In fact, Bill Gates will soon be on your friends’ list. So, your traditional marriage must be talk of the town. I shouldn’t tell you that marriage has become a business venture(wedding-prenuer). Invest a little and get a little. God will get angry with any person advising to hang your coat according to your reach. You can borrow money from friends, siblings or take a loan from the bank. Unless, you are organising a traditional marriage, where moi moi and bread will be shared. A traditional marriage to remember. A talk of the town. Facebook, Twitter and all these ‘see and post’ bloggers will carry the news.

I shouldn’t tell you how Africans are civilization crazy. White wedding will be your next target as the traditional wedding wasn’t the authentic one. If you are a typical play boy, definitely you have to invite security before the priest asks ‘is there any person here…..'(complete the statement). The wedding also should be one in town so that the brown envelopes will be fat. You don’t know a guest you did invite might give you a car as gift, so you don’t intend cooking jollof rice and wrap up eggs as gifts. Your honeymoon should be done in London on a borrowed visa. God will replenish your hustle on a worthy wedding as you regret your actions after reception.

How To Be Become Nigerian Undercover Reporter.

You are a writer or an aspiring journalist. If you listen carefully, what about to tell you will blow you. Yes, your name will keep ringing a bell. The money will keep rolling in once you can keep up with the job. You must understand instead of you waiting for the royalties of a book you wrote, you can earn double of the royalties. While you keep it as your retirement savings.

There are many witches out there that will surely truncate your hustles. They are so bent in making sure nothing best comes out of your new found darling job. Don’t worry, the earlier the better. We will avoid them in every angle even if it entails visiting TB Joshua.

Nigeria faces hell of problems. You already know that. I’m not trying to tell you to buy one of the problems. It will consume you and none will recall even when you were born. These problems range from kidnapping, Boko Haram, Armed Robbery, MEND, OPC, MTN, Pipeline Vandalism, Religion, Human Trafficking, Corruption, Mama Peace (Please don’t ask me when this has come to be a problem) etc. These are few known problems of this country. Don’t waste your time trying to pokenose into any of these. Nigerians and the entire world won’t listen to you. As far as they aware, these are bona fide citizens of the country.

Look at some areas which nobody has dared or those that tried ended up woefully. It’s not to your portion to fail. Don’t mind village witches, they are already failing. Now, you’ve known which area you will beam your searchlight on, cool. No, I didn’t advice you to embark on a journey. It is too dangerous. We are in a computer age. You shouldn’t risk your life because Nigerians are so quick to forget heros. Thank God for Google, Facebook, Twitter. Make your researches in these places and stay off the public for three months. No friend or close relative of yours should know of your aspirations. They might be advocates of witches. Your dreams will be killed before arrival.

You should come up with a nicest story ever written. Don’t paint it with too many lies. You have to spice it up with things even those that didn’t read, but were told about your ordeal will be filled with pity for you. Pa Ikhide and co will nail it dead though none of them writes or will they make to embark on the journey which you staked your life on. Write on how you were fed with rotten food filled with maggots. You were beaten with iron rods (You can pierce some parts of your body. Fame is hard to come by). Give your audience some relief, tell of how you wanted to fall in love with one of the tormentors. Your rescue shouldn’t be in Nigeria. It should somewhere in Somali. Yes, you ought to bring a white person in the picture. Now, your story is ready. Serve it while it’s hot while your haters will have no other option than to go and hug transformer. Give it time and your awards will start rolling in.