An Open Letter To Up and Coming Nollywood Stars

As I write this to you, I’m really angry. I wish you could behold my face to see the level of anger on it. You might jump to conclusion that my anger is much more of envy and bitterness of your way to the top. I’m more concerned about future your endeavours. You’re already seeing yourself as one of the sort after actors. Yes, the actual screen goddess. In fact, the superstar mentality has taken over you. The directors and producers won’t achieve a successful film without you as the lead or supporting character. The marketers won’t forgive any graphic designer for failing to put your face on a film poster (Your face dey sell film). Your fan base have swelled or blown out of proportion that you walk the streets putting on dark googles even at night (Pray Subsidy era doesn’t return. Trekking). Now, you compete with the likes of Omotola, Ini Edo, Jim Iyke, Prince Eke who should close down the expensive boutiques around. It doesn’t matter where you bought yours.

Sister/brother, life is not so rosy. The superstar status you look up to, is far from a lot of things. Let me remind you maybe it escaped your mind, actors are not made, but born. Ask yourself how you came about the actor thingy. Maybe you attended a half class of a supposed film school and the next you demand to be called a ‘screen god’. Of course, some will be too quick to tell me that they came into acting by accident, keke or truck?

If you’re to born to act, no director will look down on you during auditions. No producer will have the effrontery to demand for sex before you are giving a ‘yeye’ role that you are not sure if the DOP captured your face. Why should you pay directors and producers to be featured in their films? That’s star-doom not stardom. Now, let me tell you this; if you’re type that of girl who sleeps around with any person that introduces himself as a filmmaker. You are bound to spend your entire acting career in beds. Yes, because once Mr. Dick goes, he will tell Oga Harry who in turn tells Tom and on it goes.

Showing us your God given assets won’t sell you rather destroy you. Sell yourself through a convincing script interpretation, then money and fame will come. Trust Nigerians, you will be nicknamed. Act! Don’t get naked! If you can interpret a script better, the international scene is your starting point. Forget the trend. Amaka and Yetunde might have gone to win the hearts of a lot people, good. Destiny aint same. Remember, ‘You no sabi act be say you no sabi act’. No two ways about it. Thanks as you begin to ACT.

A Concerned Filmpreneur.

How To Be Become Nigerian Undercover Reporter.

You are a writer or an aspiring journalist. If you listen carefully, what about to tell you will blow you. Yes, your name will keep ringing a bell. The money will keep rolling in once you can keep up with the job. You must understand instead of you waiting for the royalties of a book you wrote, you can earn double of the royalties. While you keep it as your retirement savings.

There are many witches out there that will surely truncate your hustles. They are so bent in making sure nothing best comes out of your new found darling job. Don’t worry, the earlier the better. We will avoid them in every angle even if it entails visiting TB Joshua.

Nigeria faces hell of problems. You already know that. I’m not trying to tell you to buy one of the problems. It will consume you and none will recall even when you were born. These problems range from kidnapping, Boko Haram, Armed Robbery, MEND, OPC, MTN, Pipeline Vandalism, Religion, Human Trafficking, Corruption, Mama Peace (Please don’t ask me when this has come to be a problem) etc. These are few known problems of this country. Don’t waste your time trying to pokenose into any of these. Nigerians and the entire world won’t listen to you. As far as they aware, these are bona fide citizens of the country.

Look at some areas which nobody has dared or those that tried ended up woefully. It’s not to your portion to fail. Don’t mind village witches, they are already failing. Now, you’ve known which area you will beam your searchlight on, cool. No, I didn’t advice you to embark on a journey. It is too dangerous. We are in a computer age. You shouldn’t risk your life because Nigerians are so quick to forget heros. Thank God for Google, Facebook, Twitter. Make your researches in these places and stay off the public for three months. No friend or close relative of yours should know of your aspirations. They might be advocates of witches. Your dreams will be killed before arrival.

You should come up with a nicest story ever written. Don’t paint it with too many lies. You have to spice it up with things even those that didn’t read, but were told about your ordeal will be filled with pity for you. Pa Ikhide and co will nail it dead though none of them writes or will they make to embark on the journey which you staked your life on. Write on how you were fed with rotten food filled with maggots. You were beaten with iron rods (You can pierce some parts of your body. Fame is hard to come by). Give your audience some relief, tell of how you wanted to fall in love with one of the tormentors. Your rescue shouldn’t be in Nigeria. It should somewhere in Somali. Yes, you ought to bring a white person in the picture. Now, your story is ready. Serve it while it’s hot while your haters will have no other option than to go and hug transformer. Give it time and your awards will start rolling in.

Why You Must Vote For Me in 2015.

Don’t misunderstand me or you might be saying, ‘something is wrong with this guy. If I no vote for you, you go mess out bees?’. I’m not compelling or commanding you to vote for me. Yes, this is democracy. You have every right to make, decide and take your choices, but you’ve to see reasons with me why ‘must’ vote for come 2015.

I’m a presidential hopeful. I want to run, trek and walk for the seat of president of giant of Africa. I know and believe that victory is assured (Please, don’t ask me if TB Joshua told me so). Am yet to prepare my manifesto because I won’t want to bore you down with the gospel you’ve been hearing. It will be a short note that every Nigerian will keep under his or her bed (‘Arm-guard’ it jealously for rats). I will look stupid if I start telling you, ‘I once had no shoes’ (Who knows?), definitely Italian designed shoes are waiting for me once I win. I will make no mistakes of crying in public to show sympathy for the Nigerian state. I will be bold as a lion. Newspaper adverts will not see the light of the day. I can’t afford a Judas among my team, I can’t forgive my percived enemies. I wouldn’t want somebody selling for a hundred milllion dollars and tomorrow, some persons somewhere start a ‘Rock and John Cena’ wrestling match. No erection of bill-boards rather, my names should be written bark of trees and chiseled on rocks.

I will leave office as the most hated and beloved head of state (complicated?). I will run a transperancy government. Yes, corruption has come to stay in Nigeria. Fighting it is like fighting the devil. I will forgive all those convicted of any corrupt doing. I will open up the Kirikiri and Kuje prisons. If you’re not satisfied, come and ‘steal’ your own money and be ‘chieftainced’ (apologies to Okey Ndibe) titled in your village.

I will forgive these witches and mosquitoes. Lands will be allocated to them in Abuja. Presidential pardon will all these paedophilias on the prowl be given. Let them go and sin no more. I will not surround myself with attack Lions or Dogs, rather Tigers and Elephants. Those on Twitter and Facebook should keep talking and wasting their MBs (our telecom operators must chop).

NEPA or PHCN will be a thing of the past because I’m going to give each home a Tiger generator. Soon, all aircrafts will be grounded, for witches to convey you to your various destions.

An Open Letter To Cossy Orjiakor

Dear Cossy Orjiakor,

I must write you because, I cannot endure it any more. This letter is not ridicule you, serves a communication between a loving brother to a wayward sister since you’re an Igbo. I’m a feminist. I love women and I happened to be one of your biggest fans. I did hear of stories of you sleeping with a dog, making porn films or dancing naked in a club. I didn’t believe such stories, all those are hustles and the bad belle people should kiss snake.

Cossy, I know you’ve right to kind of life you so love to live, but sister this life of uploading unclad pictures of yours and public display of your huge ‘properties’ is alarming. We know you got them, but you not the only one around the world. Flaunting those ‘properties’ does not get you the desired attention, rather destroying your dignity as a woman. I don’t know your plans because you’re no more a girl rather a woman. Let’s say, you were able to get married tomorrow with kids. What will your daughters think of you if any of them sees any of your unclad pictures? Yes, you deleted them, but someone out there was quick to download and archive them somewhere. The internet shouldn’t be a place you tell how you were in the ‘mood’. You can do that by whispering to a man and he will help you out.

Cossy, an Igbo proverb has it, ‘A mad woman is not ashame when dancing naked at the market square, but her people’. I’m much ashamed. People talk badly about you and you call that popularity? You’re too old to erect even a he-goat. Cossy, posterity will always tell.

Yours loving brother,

Uchechukwu Obiakor.

How To Cure A Drunkard.

Your husband, relative, boyfriend or neighbour is a friend of the bottle. He loves anything liquid in a bottle and you want to put an end to that? Drinking is not just a habit, but a disease. So, curing this ‘disease’ is simple if only you will listen to me. I’m not trying to make out a satirica write up, rather something that will help generations to come.

Now, you so much hate this drinker as he’s always full of nasty smell, staggers and sometimes, he makes the gutters a comfortable place to slumber. He urinates on his wears. He talks gibberish and might another route when going home, friends will ‘bundle’ him to the house.

You know and love him too well. You really want to come home everyday and meet him. Just apply this and pay me later. Don’t doubt, with faith you can stop Mama Nkechi from selling kai kai. You know the kind of food he loves most and possibly a kind of hobby. Now, cook that favourite meal, when he must have gone on his drinking expolits. Keep the food at the table and arrange the house neatly. Make sure, you know his brand of drink. Get away and get as much as you can. Go call him in a playful manner. Feed and let him drink at home.

Try this for a week and I don’t need to tell you how he will change. Surely, he quit the disease and became a sane man you knew back days.

How To Grow Your Business On Social Networking Sites.

Twitter? I did knew this social networking site as a micro-blogging site. I must confess, I have been on Twitter for like two years now and only knew what it was all about, six months ago. During the old days, I can barely understand ‘Retweet’, ‘Follow’, ‘Follow back’, ‘TL’ etc, which according to a friend, who said Twitter is for celebrities. I swallowed so hard. I’m social media crazy. I was ready to know what this Twitter is all about, since am a Facebook worm. For a long time, I heard a lot of Nigerians were making cool cash on Twitter. Opportunity!

This brings #AdoptAtweep to mind. I saw the event on @blcompere’s TL and likewise that of @ojaysays. I was curious to know what’s really #AdoptAtweep and to cap it all, it was a free event (Awuf dey run belle, you said?). i asked what the event was all about and @kara2dance came to my rescue, telling me the venue(@Sofalounge81) and time(2pm). Saturday 15th December was the day. I arrived late and found out I never registered for the event online. I had to after showing my ID to the security (Who no like better thing?). I thank God nothing has really started upon my arrival as I saw people making introduction of themselves and Twitter handles (They called it networking). I joined the queue as I met @Chidufinance.

The event kicked off with a testimony from @kara2dance before @OjaySays took the centre stage.

Here are the tips to grow use social media to grow your business. Facilitator: @OjaySays. You can call this, the ‘ten commandments’ of social netprenue.

1. Tweet Right.

2. Engage your Audience.

3. Follow a target audience.

4. Unfollow smartly.

5. Send bulk direct messages with or without links.

6. Use URL shorteners.

7. Hootsuite Advantage.

8. Market like the sun and not the wind.

9. Be consistent.

10. Keeping within the follow limits.

* Leverage on your social network-

leverage on your social network to provide an advertising platform for brands, individuals and events.

Leverage on your social network to market your ideas, brands thoughts, concepts etc.

Courtesy- @Ojaysays, @blcompere.

Death in Nollywood: Before we all die.

On Tuesday 6th December 2012, Nollywood, Delta state and entire Nigeria was thrown into mourning. A great iroko has fallen. Veteran actor Enebeli Elebuwa kicked the bucket finally after a long time illlness. His death came barely three weeks after Nollywood was yet to recover from the shocking dismissal of Pete Eneh, another veteran actor. He (Pete Eneh) died after leg amputation due to infection.

This now asks this question, what is wrong with Nollywood? All is not well. Something is wrong somewhere. Can’t we end a year without losing an all important personality?. I agree that death is inevitable. We will all die some day, but the deaths in the Nigerian film industry look more suspcious or a punishment. A lot of persons will not know this, especially if you are not part and parcel of Nollywood. For those that know, it is high time you open up. Silence kills more than a bullet.

Nollywood was built from the sweat of entertainment minded Nigerians. In fact, some persons will tell you that Nollywood was born when the movies like ‘Living in Bondage’, ‘Rattle Snake’ were release. We remember the glory days, when every film term to be a blockbuster. It was fun. It now begs the question what really went wrong? Who angered the gods?. The industry is just like it’s old self. It has grown to be the third large film industry in the world, there are norms and values which must be kept before we all die. I don’t write with sentiments or trying to show my holiness through my words. I don’t care who might hate me for writing this, but the truth has to be said. I don’t want to bore you with what you already know. It is an open secret. It’s not something you want to hide anymore, no. These people are so bent in making their activities ‘legal’.

I do believe, nobody was born and christened as an actor, actress, scriptwriter, Director or producer. It’s a calling which those concerned must answer. If you are not called, don’t force yourself to be or you end up a total failure. What am I saying? Nollywood has come to be a dumping ground for homosexuals,lesbianism, corruption, sexual immorality, voodooism. In fact, talk about the evils same group of persons display on the silver screen for the public enlightment and education, it’s same thing they are indugling into. The devil cannot cast away fellow devil.

It is no more news that as a newbie into the industry and you are a female, God knows how many Directors and producers will sleep with you before giving you a role. You might be too lucky not to meet men that will like to have a piece of you before a job, what about your fellow females. The world is changing and one problem with Nigerians, we love copy and paste. If you are a guy, you either bribe your way to the script or you pay with your body. There are certain cliches which you must belong before a superstar, you can call them the ‘Nigerian Illuminati’. They are capable of making you a superstar in just six months. They ask me if the likes of late Sam Loco, Ashley Nwosu, Pete Eneh, Enebeli Elebuwa were involved in all these, I write so that Nollywood can return back to God before we all die. All can not be well if all these persist. Unless, we want to start counting deaths every week.