Why You Must Vote For Me in 2015.

Don’t misunderstand me or you might be saying, ‘something is wrong with this guy. If I no vote for you, you go mess out bees?’. I’m not compelling or commanding you to vote for me. Yes, this is democracy. You have every right to make, decide and take your choices, but you’ve to see reasons with me why ‘must’ vote for come 2015.

I’m a presidential hopeful. I want to run, trek and walk for the seat of president of giant of Africa. I know and believe that victory is assured (Please, don’t ask me if TB Joshua told me so). Am yet to prepare my manifesto because I won’t want to bore you down with the gospel you’ve been hearing. It will be a short note that every Nigerian will keep under his or her bed (‘Arm-guard’ it jealously for rats). I will look stupid if I start telling you, ‘I once had no shoes’ (Who knows?), definitely Italian designed shoes are waiting for me once I win. I will make no mistakes of crying in public to show sympathy for the Nigerian state. I will be bold as a lion. Newspaper adverts will not see the light of the day. I can’t afford a Judas among my team, I can’t forgive my percived enemies. I wouldn’t want somebody selling for a hundred milllion dollars and tomorrow, some persons somewhere start a ‘Rock and John Cena’ wrestling match. No erection of bill-boards rather, my names should be written bark of trees and chiseled on rocks.

I will leave office as the most hated and beloved head of state (complicated?). I will run a transperancy government. Yes, corruption has come to stay in Nigeria. Fighting it is like fighting the devil. I will forgive all those convicted of any corrupt doing. I will open up the Kirikiri and Kuje prisons. If you’re not satisfied, come and ‘steal’ your own money and be ‘chieftainced’ (apologies to Okey Ndibe) titled in your village.

I will forgive these witches and mosquitoes. Lands will be allocated to them in Abuja. Presidential pardon will all these paedophilias on the prowl be given. Let them go and sin no more. I will not surround myself with attack Lions or Dogs, rather Tigers and Elephants. Those on Twitter and Facebook should keep talking and wasting their MBs (our telecom operators must chop).

NEPA or PHCN will be a thing of the past because I’m going to give each home a Tiger generator. Soon, all aircrafts will be grounded, for witches to convey you to your various destions.