An Open Letter To Cossy Orjiakor

Dear Cossy Orjiakor,

I must write you because, I cannot endure it any more. This letter is not ridicule you, serves a communication between a loving brother to a wayward sister since you’re an Igbo. I’m a feminist. I love women and I happened to be one of your biggest fans. I did hear of stories of you sleeping with a dog, making porn films or dancing naked in a club. I didn’t believe such stories, all those are hustles and the bad belle people should kiss snake.

Cossy, I know you’ve right to kind of life you so love to live, but sister this life of uploading unclad pictures of yours and public display of your huge ‘properties’ is alarming. We know you got them, but you not the only one around the world. Flaunting those ‘properties’ does not get you the desired attention, rather destroying your dignity as a woman. I don’t know your plans because you’re no more a girl rather a woman. Let’s say, you were able to get married tomorrow with kids. What will your daughters think of you if any of them sees any of your unclad pictures? Yes, you deleted them, but someone out there was quick to download and archive them somewhere. The internet shouldn’t be a place you tell how you were in the ‘mood’. You can do that by whispering to a man and he will help you out.

Cossy, an Igbo proverb has it, ‘A mad woman is not ashame when dancing naked at the market square, but her people’. I’m much ashamed. People talk badly about you and you call that popularity? You’re too old to erect even a he-goat. Cossy, posterity will always tell.

Yours loving brother,

Uchechukwu Obiakor.

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How To Cure A Drunkard.

Your husband, relative, boyfriend or neighbour is a friend of the bottle. He loves anything liquid in a bottle and you want to put an end to that? Drinking is not just a habit, but a disease. So, curing this ‘disease’ is simple if only you will listen to me. I’m not trying to make out a satirica write up, rather something that will help generations to come.

Now, you so much hate this drinker as he’s always full of nasty smell, staggers and sometimes, he makes the gutters a comfortable place to slumber. He urinates on his wears. He talks gibberish and might another route when going home, friends will ‘bundle’ him to the house.

You know and love him too well. You really want to come home everyday and meet him. Just apply this and pay me later. Don’t doubt, with faith you can stop Mama Nkechi from selling kai kai. You know the kind of food he loves most and possibly a kind of hobby. Now, cook that favourite meal, when he must have gone on his drinking expolits. Keep the food at the table and arrange the house neatly. Make sure, you know his brand of drink. Get away and get as much as you can. Go call him in a playful manner. Feed and let him drink at home.

Try this for a week and I don’t need to tell you how he will change. Surely, he quit the disease and became a sane man you knew back days.