How to be a Nigerian Pastor.

Before you jump to conclusion that you’ve known what am to talk about or the idea is up in your head crawling while you smile, my dear I think you got all wrong. I’m talk a different thing. If it is funny, you laugh. If you find it quite boring, make sure a pharmacist is near your residence. Panadol and Amalar(the Yorubas should forget about garri) will do a nice job on your system.

Are you an intending pastor or a warming up one (You are in the dreams while you are at the Theologian school) or you are already one? I don’t want to start asking you, who called you. You might have missed a call from a late relation during your mid nightmares. Any person questioning your call to the ‘Lord’s ministry’, is a devil. He/she will surely die by tsunami. Why should you pray for their repentance, when they are so bent in truncating your hustle? You must understand that it took years of starvation (may be fasting), putting on one cockroach infested coat while you are at one street corner shouting at top of your voice. You always tell your doubting Thomases that you will make it because your faith is too strong that it can push away a mountain. Your shoes are more like a flying canoe, it rains, and you see a paddle; you’ve gotten to your destination. When you can hardly afford a loaf of bread or some balls of akara. Mama Juliet was too good as she helps on daily basis with a food flask filled with rice and meat. When you went to the village for Christmas celebrations, your siblings and mates are too busy sharing bags of rice. You made efforts to share the word of God; some persons will label you as an idiot. They would spread your name around or even refer you to psychiatrist. God will judge your landlord. He’s always on your neck once the month is close to ending. Those times were in the days of turbulent waters and bad breeze.

Now, you are a Nigerian pastor. Moreover, for those of you pastor outside the shores of Nigeria, you better come home and ‘invest’. This land is filled with butter and honey. It doesn’t matter the name your church is called, but you should be occupied with the thoughts of your members prospering (unless tithe and offering is mean less). Your church might be located near an Indian hemp market (never mind, the odour chases legions of spirits. They are as well helping in the work). I should not tell you to get yourself a nice suit(you can borrow or get one on credit). Your hair must be afro (so you can perm it when the spirit has instructed). Don’t try going for a skin unless your assistant image will be drawn on the signboard. You must understand that Nigerians are too tired to work. They face many problems. You can proffer solutions. You might decide reconciling a quarreling couple by the strokes of the cane (you are ‘Daddy’). Make predictions or guess (be sure where you set your sights or Exodus. Genesis begins your name).

Nigerians are football crazy. Make no mistake saying that Super Eagles will win African cup of nations. Tell somebody, Arsenal will the UEFA Champions league. Cause pandemonium, broadcast the death of a top politician. You must sale’healing pure water’. Let the anointing oil cure headache (ringworm and eczema should be out of question).

You must get yourself a secretary, so nobody enters your office anyhow. Consultation fee should be left out. If you are invited anywhere, ask for flight tickets. Don’t look too cheap, you are a man of God. You should be conversant with Bible verses. It doesn’t matter if you cram. Upgrade your vocals or betterstill, produce your own English words. Pretend one day, you had no means of transportation. The car which you’ve always dreamt about, will be yours. Use a Bible passage to tell your congregation, you bought a new suit or a pair of shoe. You can document your life’s hustles and stories as a book, I should not tell you how they will love to read a book written by ‘papa’. God bless you as you continue in the Lord’s vineyard.

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2 thoughts on “How to be a Nigerian Pastor.

  1. Nwanne m, I miss d original voice of Ekwurekwu in dis post. It sounds too much lik Elnathan. Abeg, don’t b a photocopy bro.

    U try sha but I 4 prefa am if u use dat ur unique humour wey I dey gbadun.

    All in all, I hope Nigerian pastors’l read & learn 4rm Pastor Evangelist Ekwerekwu (G.O, OON, CNN, UNN) *winks*

    Like

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