Why You Must Vote For Me in 2015.

Don’t misunderstand me or you might be saying, ‘something is wrong with this guy. If I no vote for you, you go mess out bees?’. I’m not compelling or commanding you to vote for me. Yes, this is democracy. You have every right to make, decide and take your choices, but you’ve to see reasons with me why ‘must’ vote for come 2015.

I’m a presidential hopeful. I want to run, trek and walk for the seat of president of giant of Africa. I know and believe that victory is assured (Please, don’t ask me if TB Joshua told me so). Am yet to prepare my manifesto because I won’t want to bore you down with the gospel you’ve been hearing. It will be a short note that every Nigerian will keep under his or her bed (‘Arm-guard’ it jealously for rats). I will look stupid if I start telling you, ‘I once had no shoes’ (Who knows?), definitely Italian designed shoes are waiting for me once I win. I will make no mistakes of crying in public to show sympathy for the Nigerian state. I will be bold as a lion. Newspaper adverts will not see the light of the day. I can’t afford a Judas among my team, I can’t forgive my percived enemies. I wouldn’t want somebody selling for a hundred milllion dollars and tomorrow, some persons somewhere start a ‘Rock and John Cena’ wrestling match. No erection of bill-boards rather, my names should be written bark of trees and chiseled on rocks.

I will leave office as the most hated and beloved head of state (complicated?). I will run a transperancy government. Yes, corruption has come to stay in Nigeria. Fighting it is like fighting the devil. I will forgive all those convicted of any corrupt doing. I will open up the Kirikiri and Kuje prisons. If you’re not satisfied, come and ‘steal’ your own money and be ‘chieftainced’ (apologies to Okey Ndibe) titled in your village.

I will forgive these witches and mosquitoes. Lands will be allocated to them in Abuja. Presidential pardon will all these paedophilias on the prowl be given. Let them go and sin no more. I will not surround myself with attack Lions or Dogs, rather Tigers and Elephants. Those on Twitter and Facebook should keep talking and wasting their MBs (our telecom operators must chop).

NEPA or PHCN will be a thing of the past because I’m going to give each home a Tiger generator. Soon, all aircrafts will be grounded, for witches to convey you to your various destions.

An Open Letter To Cossy Orjiakor

Dear Cossy Orjiakor,

I must write you because, I cannot endure it any more. This letter is not ridicule you, serves a communication between a loving brother to a wayward sister since you’re an Igbo. I’m a feminist. I love women and I happened to be one of your biggest fans. I did hear of stories of you sleeping with a dog, making porn films or dancing naked in a club. I didn’t believe such stories, all those are hustles and the bad belle people should kiss snake.

Cossy, I know you’ve right to kind of life you so love to live, but sister this life of uploading unclad pictures of yours and public display of your huge ‘properties’ is alarming. We know you got them, but you not the only one around the world. Flaunting those ‘properties’ does not get you the desired attention, rather destroying your dignity as a woman. I don’t know your plans because you’re no more a girl rather a woman. Let’s say, you were able to get married tomorrow with kids. What will your daughters think of you if any of them sees any of your unclad pictures? Yes, you deleted them, but someone out there was quick to download and archive them somewhere. The internet shouldn’t be a place you tell how you were in the ‘mood’. You can do that by whispering to a man and he will help you out.

Cossy, an Igbo proverb has it, ‘A mad woman is not ashame when dancing naked at the market square, but her people’. I’m much ashamed. People talk badly about you and you call that popularity? You’re too old to erect even a he-goat. Cossy, posterity will always tell.

Yours loving brother,

Uchechukwu Obiakor.

How To Cure A Drunkard.

Your husband, relative, boyfriend or neighbour is a friend of the bottle. He loves anything liquid in a bottle and you want to put an end to that? Drinking is not just a habit, but a disease. So, curing this ‘disease’ is simple if only you will listen to me. I’m not trying to make out a satirica write up, rather something that will help generations to come.

Now, you so much hate this drinker as he’s always full of nasty smell, staggers and sometimes, he makes the gutters a comfortable place to slumber. He urinates on his wears. He talks gibberish and might another route when going home, friends will ‘bundle’ him to the house.

You know and love him too well. You really want to come home everyday and meet him. Just apply this and pay me later. Don’t doubt, with faith you can stop Mama Nkechi from selling kai kai. You know the kind of food he loves most and possibly a kind of hobby. Now, cook that favourite meal, when he must have gone on his drinking expolits. Keep the food at the table and arrange the house neatly. Make sure, you know his brand of drink. Get away and get as much as you can. Go call him in a playful manner. Feed and let him drink at home.

Try this for a week and I don’t need to tell you how he will change. Surely, he quit the disease and became a sane man you knew back days.

How To Grow Your Business On Social Networking Sites.

Twitter? I did knew this social networking site as a micro-blogging site. I must confess, I have been on Twitter for like two years now and only knew what it was all about, six months ago. During the old days, I can barely understand ‘Retweet’, ‘Follow’, ‘Follow back’, ‘TL’ etc, which according to a friend, who said Twitter is for celebrities. I swallowed so hard. I’m social media crazy. I was ready to know what this Twitter is all about, since am a Facebook worm. For a long time, I heard a lot of Nigerians were making cool cash on Twitter. Opportunity!

This brings #AdoptAtweep to mind. I saw the event on @blcompere’s TL and likewise that of @ojaysays. I was curious to know what’s really #AdoptAtweep and to cap it all, it was a free event (Awuf dey run belle, you said?). i asked what the event was all about and @kara2dance came to my rescue, telling me the venue(@Sofalounge81) and time(2pm). Saturday 15th December was the day. I arrived late and found out I never registered for the event online. I had to after showing my ID to the security (Who no like better thing?). I thank God nothing has really started upon my arrival as I saw people making introduction of themselves and Twitter handles (They called it networking). I joined the queue as I met @Chidufinance.

The event kicked off with a testimony from @kara2dance before @OjaySays took the centre stage.

Here are the tips to grow use social media to grow your business. Facilitator: @OjaySays. You can call this, the ‘ten commandments’ of social netprenue.

1. Tweet Right.

2. Engage your Audience.

3. Follow a target audience.

4. Unfollow smartly.

5. Send bulk direct messages with or without links.

6. Use URL shorteners.

7. Hootsuite Advantage.

8. Market like the sun and not the wind.

9. Be consistent.

10. Keeping within the follow limits.

* Leverage on your social network-

leverage on your social network to provide an advertising platform for brands, individuals and events.

Leverage on your social network to market your ideas, brands thoughts, concepts etc.

Courtesy- @Ojaysays, @blcompere.

Egwu by King Koboko: A review.

There is no harm in trial, a proverb will say. I have known King Koboko as a writer. I was stunned a few weeks ago as he updated his status on Facebook that he will soon release a music single. I took it as a joke and only adviced him to make the yet to be released single a hit or he alone will dance to whatever lyrics he did sang. I know the world is a place where you have try out a lot of things, who knows all or one might work out.

Egwu as King Koboko titled it, I will say was born out of creativity. I can really understand or can I put it under any category of traditional, Hip-Hop, RnB or Jazz. To me, I will say kudos to Koboko and please bro, go back to the drawing board again. Rearrange and let the produce make sometime of club rock. I shouldn’t tell you that in Nigeria now, it’s not what you sang, but the beats that make your music a hit.

*I wrote this an advise and not to condenm any work of art. Thanks.

Egwu by King Koboko: A review.

There is no harm in trial, a proverb will say. I have known King Koboko as a writer. I was stunned a few weeks ago as he updated his status on Facebook that he will soon release a music single. I took it as a joke and only adviced him to make the yet to be released single a hit or he alone will dance to whatever lyrics he did sang. I know the world is a place where you have try out a lot of things, who knows all or one might work out.

Egwu as King Koboko titled it, I will say was born out of creativity. I can really understand or can I put it under any category of traditional, Hip-Hop, RnB or Jazz. To me, I will say kudos to Koboko and please bro, go back to the drawing board again. Rearrange and let the produce make sometime of club rock. I shouldn’t tell you that in Nigeria now, it’s not what you sang, but the beats that make your music a hit.

*I wrote this an advise and not to condenm any work of art. Thanks.

Death in Nollywood: Before we all die.

On Tuesday 6th December 2012, Nollywood, Delta state and entire Nigeria was thrown into mourning. A great iroko has fallen. Veteran actor Enebeli Elebuwa kicked the bucket finally after a long time illlness. His death came barely three weeks after Nollywood was yet to recover from the shocking dismissal of Pete Eneh, another veteran actor. He (Pete Eneh) died after leg amputation due to infection.

This now asks this question, what is wrong with Nollywood? All is not well. Something is wrong somewhere. Can’t we end a year without losing an all important personality?. I agree that death is inevitable. We will all die some day, but the deaths in the Nigerian film industry look more suspcious or a punishment. A lot of persons will not know this, especially if you are not part and parcel of Nollywood. For those that know, it is high time you open up. Silence kills more than a bullet.

Nollywood was built from the sweat of entertainment minded Nigerians. In fact, some persons will tell you that Nollywood was born when the movies like ‘Living in Bondage’, ‘Rattle Snake’ were release. We remember the glory days, when every film term to be a blockbuster. It was fun. It now begs the question what really went wrong? Who angered the gods?. The industry is just like it’s old self. It has grown to be the third large film industry in the world, there are norms and values which must be kept before we all die. I don’t write with sentiments or trying to show my holiness through my words. I don’t care who might hate me for writing this, but the truth has to be said. I don’t want to bore you with what you already know. It is an open secret. It’s not something you want to hide anymore, no. These people are so bent in making their activities ‘legal’.

I do believe, nobody was born and christened as an actor, actress, scriptwriter, Director or producer. It’s a calling which those concerned must answer. If you are not called, don’t force yourself to be or you end up a total failure. What am I saying? Nollywood has come to be a dumping ground for homosexuals,lesbianism, corruption, sexual immorality, voodooism. In fact, talk about the evils same group of persons display on the silver screen for the public enlightment and education, it’s same thing they are indugling into. The devil cannot cast away fellow devil.

It is no more news that as a newbie into the industry and you are a female, God knows how many Directors and producers will sleep with you before giving you a role. You might be too lucky not to meet men that will like to have a piece of you before a job, what about your fellow females. The world is changing and one problem with Nigerians, we love copy and paste. If you are a guy, you either bribe your way to the script or you pay with your body. There are certain cliches which you must belong before a superstar, you can call them the ‘Nigerian Illuminati’. They are capable of making you a superstar in just six months. They ask me if the likes of late Sam Loco, Ashley Nwosu, Pete Eneh, Enebeli Elebuwa were involved in all these, I write so that Nollywood can return back to God before we all die. All can not be well if all these persist. Unless, we want to start counting deaths every week.

How to get married in Nigeria.

You’ve found a wife or you are still dating? Your fiancee look too good and angelic. Your conclusion, you guys are getting married. Now, you don’t dabble into what you don’t know. You need a guide. And for you information, marriage in Nigeria is a typical project which you must read and understand very well. If you are lucky, your parents will help you with some lectures and if you are not. Just listen with keen ears and mind because this is ‘marriage 101 ‘. Don’t see me as a marriage counsellor or adviser. See me as a guide because I don’t want my house to be a special court for settling ‘quarreling couples’ and ‘family cases’(Your pastor can do just that).

You’ve found her as I said earlier. To start with, what is her tribe? How much does your parents and siblings love her? Does any of friend claim he know her too well? (If he does, I wonder what happens anytime you might be away from the house). I shouldn’t you tell not to ask of her past because as you are making to become one, you don’t some ‘idiots’ helping you out on your duty(Unless, you are not a man). If she is not educated(not an educated illitrate- the one that speaks grammar to confuse you). I won’t remind you to check her village distance from yours unless your kinsmen won’t join you in the journey. If she works in a bank or she is lawyer, bro, I pity you unless you will get tired fighting. Her family is wealthy and you once had no shoes or singlet. Her father brought you out of the refuse dump (Don’t try upsetting their daughter. The prisons were not built for animals). No need going to the hospital for medical check up, you guys built your relationship on trust. I hope your mother is not grandchild crazy? If not, you will make babies under one week. You must marry at age of 23, if you are only the son.

You have known her. Of course, you will start with introduction before you are making an attempt to pay the bride price. During the bride price period, you have to organise a little party. Show your inlaws that you are capable of taking care of their daughter. God will judge these fathers that sell their daughters in the name of giving them out for marriage. You can pay everything they demand and possibly, you are in charge of the ‘commodity’ you bought. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that your ‘bachelor’s nite or eve’ should not be exempted. Your friends must welcome you into marriage-hood. God will bless if you organise it in a five star hotel not near ogogoro joint
(you must be classic).

Traditional marriage beckons and you are a no nonsense guy. You are too popular that you mingle with the like of Dangote, Otedola, Mike Adenuga. In fact, Bill Gates will soon be on your friends’ list. So, your traditional marriage must be talk of the town. I shouldn’t tell you that marriage has become a business venture(wedding-prenuer). Invest a little and get a little. God will get angry with any person advising to hang your coat according to your reach. You can borrow money from friends, siblings or take a loan from the bank. Unless, you are organising a traditional marriage, where moi moi and bread will be shared. A traditional marriage to remember.

I shouldn’t tell you how Africans are civilization crazy. White wedding will be your next target as the traditional wedding wasn’t the authentic one. If you are a typical play boy, definitely you have to invite security before the priest asks ‘is there any person here…..’(complete the statement). The wedding also should be one in town so that the brown envelopes will be fat. You don’t know a guest you did invite might give you a car as gift. Your honeymoon should be done in London on a borrowed visa. God will replenish your hustle on a worthy wedding as you regret your actions after reception.

Nollywood blunder: How to get it right.

In recent time, Nollywood has come under heavy and unbearable criticisms. Many persons have come to hate the way movies are churned out at will without some finishing or professional touches. In fact, some Nollywood movies look more of a filmed stage drama or I should I say that some stage plays are more interesting to watch than a full-length Nollywood film. Money has become a bane of the industry not entertainment. The questions become- whom do we blame? Whose fault, is it?

Okay, firstly somebody will scream Nollywood has no proper funds to carry out its required projects. I quite agree, but I will say every person involved in the film production should be blamed. It’s their fault for the general loss of interest in Nollywood films. I’m not trying to sound as if I know everything, I want to tell our filmmakers that we can reclaim our lost glory. As an up and coming filmmaker, I so much believe that a film starts from the script. Some people will say, a movie production starts when a camera starts filming and the director is shouting at the characters. No, a movie production starts from the script. In fact, it’s what the characters see in the script will they utter. A script tells you what sort of character will fit into your story. You don’t necessarily revolve your movie the same group of actors and actresses. Try out new faces. Yes, you are crying about your investment. New faces don’t sale films, but you have to. There are many Ini Edos, Mercy Johns, Mr. Ibus, Osuofias, Olu Jacobs etc out there begging for opportunity. Hollywood was never built around Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Angelina Jolie etc.

To get it right and be the best filmmaker, start with your script. After writing, take to English professionals for scrutiny. Some won’t agree you and virtually calls your script ‘a piece of trash’. Try next door, who knows the dude, might be willing to help you. Did I hear you grumble about spending out of your budget? It is time for a change and you must stand up for that or you want remain in the dark age. The cinemas are back, opportunities beckon. So let your script be written in such a way all and sundry can understand. You don’t necessarily need to make your audience tell the outcome of your film. Keep them in suspense. A director should not be seen as a demi-god. He must allow independent of his cast and crew. No character should hide his or her ideas of making the film a blockbuster. Don’t necessarily say or do everything you see in the script and you boldly claim that you are neither the director or the script writer. There is room for creativity. After all, your name will appear on the film. Let every Nollywood filmmaker avoid recycling or remixing stories. There are million of stories yet to be told. Okeke might have sold a billion copies of his film “Love in action” and Ade is already warming up to replicate same film. No, change direction. Since Okeke got a romance, you should go for a comedy or thriller even action. Nollywood, it is time for a change and the time is now!!!!!

How to be a Nigerian Pastor.

Before you jump to conclusion that you’ve known what am to talk about or the idea is up in your head crawling while you smile, my dear I think you got all wrong. I’m talk a different thing. If it is funny, you laugh. If you find it quite boring, make sure a pharmacist is near your residence. Panadol and Amalar(the Yorubas should forget about garri) will do a nice job on your system.

Are you an intending pastor or a warming up one (You are in the dreams while you are at the Theologian school) or you are already one? I don’t want to start asking you, who called you. You might have missed a call from a late relation during your mid nightmares. Any person questioning your call to the ‘Lord’s ministry’, is a devil. He/she will surely die by tsunami. Why should you pray for their repentance, when they are so bent in truncating your hustle? You must understand that it took years of starvation (may be fasting), putting on one cockroach infested coat while you are at one street corner shouting at top of your voice. You always tell your doubting Thomases that you will make it because your faith is too strong that it can push away a mountain. Your shoes are more like a flying canoe, it rains, and you see a paddle; you’ve gotten to your destination. When you can hardly afford a loaf of bread or some balls of akara. Mama Juliet was too good as she helps on daily basis with a food flask filled with rice and meat. When you went to the village for Christmas celebrations, your siblings and mates are too busy sharing bags of rice. You made efforts to share the word of God; some persons will label you as an idiot. They would spread your name around or even refer you to psychiatrist. God will judge your landlord. He’s always on your neck once the month is close to ending. Those times were in the days of turbulent waters and bad breeze.

Now, you are a Nigerian pastor. Moreover, for those of you pastor outside the shores of Nigeria, you better come home and ‘invest’. This land is filled with butter and honey. It doesn’t matter the name your church is called, but you should be occupied with the thoughts of your members prospering (unless tithe and offering is mean less). Your church might be located near an Indian hemp market (never mind, the odour chases legions of spirits. They are as well helping in the work). I should not tell you to get yourself a nice suit(you can borrow or get one on credit). Your hair must be afro (so you can perm it when the spirit has instructed). Don’t try going for a skin unless your assistant image will be drawn on the signboard. You must understand that Nigerians are too tired to work. They face many problems. You can proffer solutions. You might decide reconciling a quarreling couple by the strokes of the cane (you are ‘Daddy’). Make predictions or guess (be sure where you set your sights or Exodus. Genesis begins your name).

Nigerians are football crazy. Make no mistake saying that Super Eagles will win African cup of nations. Tell somebody, Arsenal will the UEFA Champions league. Cause pandemonium, broadcast the death of a top politician. You must sale’healing pure water’. Let the anointing oil cure headache (ringworm and eczema should be out of question).

You must get yourself a secretary, so nobody enters your office anyhow. Consultation fee should be left out. If you are invited anywhere, ask for flight tickets. Don’t look too cheap, you are a man of God. You should be conversant with Bible verses. It doesn’t matter if you cram. Upgrade your vocals or betterstill, produce your own English words. Pretend one day, you had no means of transportation. The car which you’ve always dreamt about, will be yours. Use a Bible passage to tell your congregation, you bought a new suit or a pair of shoe. You can document your life’s hustles and stories as a book, I should not tell you how they will love to read a book written by ‘papa’. God bless you as you continue in the Lord’s vineyard.